I remember when I used to be able to walk into Car Quest (or better yet: Supershops) and approach the dude behind the counter.
Me: I need a fuel pump for a small-block Mopar.Car Guy: Stock or high-performance?Me: Hi-po, please. Whatcha’ got?Car Guy: Gimme a sec–I’ll grab what we have in stock and let you look at ’em and read the specs. Anything else while I’m in the back?Me: Yeah–timing gear and chain.Car Guy: You want a double-roller?Me: Yeah, might as well.Car Guy: Be right back.
Fast forward to today. I walk up to the parts counter…
Millennial Retail Zombie: Hi. How can I help you?Me: I need a fuel pump for a small-block Mopar.Millennial Retail Zombie: (Deer caught in the headlights expression.) Huh? Um, what kind of vehicle?Me: Mopar. You know–Dodge, Chrysler, Plymouth…even DeSoto back in the old days.Millennial Retail Zombie: So it’s a Chrysler?Me: Any of the above. The same fuel pump fits the 273, the 318, the 340 and the 360, regardless of the car or truck model.Millennial Retail Zombie: Um, I need to know the vehicle, sir.Me: Okay. ’71 Duster.Millennial Retail Zombie: (Tapping at the keyboard.) A what? What make is that?Me: Plymouth.Millennial Retail Zombie: We don’t have any such vehicle in our database.Me: (sighing) Fine. Let’s say it’s a 1990 Dodge Dakota.Millennial Retail Zombie: (Tapping keyboard.) What engine?Me: 360.Millennial Retail Zombie: That engine’s not listed.Me: Okay. A 318. It’s the five-point-whatever liter. A V-8.Millennial Retail Zombie: Is it two-wheel drive or four-wheel drive?Me: It makes no difference.Millennial Retail Zombie: I have to choose one or the other.Me: (Another sigh.) Four-wheel drive.Millennial Retail Zombie: Is it an extended cab?Me: (Rolling eyes.) Yes. Fine. It’s an extended cab.Millennial Retail Zombie: Manual or automatic transmission?Me: Dude, it doesn’t friggin’ matter!Millennial Retail Zombie: (Gives me that I-may-have-to-call-the-manager look.) Um…Me: Standard! It’s a friggin’ standard!Millennial Retail Zombie: What?Me: Standard transmission! Manual! “Stick shift” if you prefer. Row-your-own. You have to shift it yourself.Millennial Retail Zombie: Eww! Why would anyone want to do that?Me: Do you have the pump?Millennial Retail Zombie: Just a few more questions. Does it have the cassette or CD player; manual or power windows, and where is the ash tray located?Me: I don’t care. Make something up.Millennial Retail Zombie: (Tapping keyboard.) Um, we don’t currently have it in stock here or our warehouse, but we’re expecting the next shipment from China to come in any day now.